Monkey in a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip and sets it down. While he is looking around, a monkey swings down and steals the beer.
He asks the barman, “who owns the monkey?” The barman says it’s the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player.
He asks, “Do you know your monkey stole my beer?” “No, but if you hum it, I’ll fake it.”
Golf: Nothing lost
A land surveyor was part of a team expanding a golf course. He was using a machete to clear thick brush when he came upon a golf club that a player must have flung away in a snit. Good club, he thought and he picked it up with his free hand while he made the last few strikes at the brush with the machete.
Just then he broke out of the brush onto the putting green to face two golfers who were observing him, machete in one hand, a golf club in the other. Behind him was a clear path leading out of the woods.
“There,” said one of the golfers, “is a guy who hates losing a ball!”
Gone With The Wind
Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing. “What did you find?” he asks.
“It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see. Ah, yes. It is from ‘Gone with the Wind.’”
“And is it good?”
“The book was better.”